I simply live.

I don’t know how to explain this, but I truly want to say these lines: that somehow, life is so easy. I feel like deep down in my heart, I always carry enough space to believe that anything in this world is possible, as long as we believe  it is. 

I know that holding this kind of belief sounds pretty bullshit. But, all I want to say is that we all have already won the life we wanted, if our goal is simply: to experience.

Indeed, this world is so chaotic. There is so much inequality, so many human rights violations that have happened. But history always tells us to learn. But do we, anyway?

It is so absurd that now I just keep going with my life, even in its saddest parts. Knowing that all this sorrow will not stay, I feel it all as a blessing. I do appreciate all my feelings, and let them all happen at the same time. I just let it pass. Same with happiness. Everything is temporary, and because of that, I have no reason to grip it tightly.

The death of my father taught me a lot about the courage to let go of many things. Yes, I was in grief. I was so depressed and terribly melancholic. I couldn’t get rid of the burden of the past memories, all the trauma, it all haunted me, keeping me from letting myself feel even a little bit of joy. I always felt guilty for just posting stories on social media, for merely relaxing and watching movies, for going out to places I like and seeming to enjoy it. I felt guilty for just appearing to enjoy my life with excitement. I felt guilty for simply continuing my life, for things that shouldn't be happening, moments when I ought to be sad instead.

But then I realize that our feelings as human beings are so complex. I have learned about stoicisme, delved into Zen, read Confucius, listened to Thich Nhat Hanh, and have followed Mingyur Rinpoche since 2020. I have even been meditating regularly since 2022. I have absorbed all those theories about consciousness. But it turns out it was all just meaningless to me when all the hard things in life came. When I lost so many things, when I was at my lowest point, I couldn't handle myself. I grew so desperate that I didn't want to meet anyone. I wanted to just sleep for a hundred years. 

I was angry about the peace I once possessed before. I used to be so calm and seemed so stable. I was very cautious and rarely made a misstep when it came to myself. People didn't have to know my struggles. They would just know when I was ready, only see the result. That aligns with how I always tried to become better every single day, every single time. I have no time to just do nothing. Then I become so busy, always having an urge to do something worthwhile. I was  that good girl who focused on her own goals. And I was angry about that, for not allowing myself to make mistakes.

It is strange enough that my anger has always been my savior. All my life, I have hoped that the world might take everything away from me, except my anger. I want to remain disappointed, upset and to feel the tension in my heart when things don't go my way, when things feel so unfair, when nothing seems right. By staying angry, I can protect myself, even from the illusion of peace. Sometimes, we need chaos to just make life more “life”. We can’t stay silent in the face of injustice.

I realized this once more, recently when I visited Kamp Plantungan, a former prison camp for female political detainees from the 1965 tragedy. EVer since I began researching for my undergraduate thesis related to 1965 events, I have read countless dark stories. Innocent people were imprisoned without trial, subjected to violence in so many forms.. And now, they still can't reclaim their lives. But even amid such tragedy, they still have the courage to hope. It is so absurd, to me. And I found myself realizing that somehow, life is so beautiful, from the saddest and darkest parts.

No feeling is final. And so I embrace every feeling, I let my self experience all emotions just as seasons change. Then as a woman, I also carry a menstrual cycle that constantly influences my hormones and my phases of my life within a month, and so it continues.

As for the anger, once, I said to one of my friends. He said that he had never seen me angry with him . I just smiled and said that, when I'm angry, it means I care. So if I'm not, I don't have that much enough energy to even care. 

But recently, one day, I grew angry with him for the very first time.I wasn't even afraid he might misunderstand me. I wasn't the kind of furious girl who explodes or shouts in someone's face. I just told him that I was disappointed by what he did to me, for he did not reply to so many messages I had sent him with genuine intention. He even left me waiting for almost four hours in a cafe, without a word of explanation, before I finally called. And I told him that I was so sad, that he treated me like that, like I was nothing more than a shadow. 

I manage my energy just to be with someone else. So asking someone to meet, it means I am seriously setting aside my time for them. 

In that moment, I don't know why, something gave me the strength to be angry, to speak sharply to him about his disrespectful behavior. I was not worried that he would pull away or get angry in return. As I said, now, I am not afraid of losing someone. Even if he was a good friend to me. Yet if he is, he will reach me out and ask for an apology, which is not something I'm hoping for. I have forgiven him anyway. To me, a single mistake won't undo the abundance of goodness and the good moments we've shared. I simply love him, but that doesn't mean I'll soften in the face of actions I believe are wrong. The same principle applies to everyone else I love, too.

This kind of perspective always lifts me up, and perhaps, makes me grow more independent. I no longer seek attention from anyone, anymore. I don't care what people might say about me.

I have spent my entire life worrying about how others might perceive me. But it all cost far too much energy. And no matter how much attention I give it, it is never enough. People, including me, always have that ideal concept about what should be and what should not be. So now I understand, all I need to do is just live the way I want to live, without explaining myself to anyone. 

I have felt inferior before, for instance, feeling like I lack an impressive portfolio in writing. I don't write as cool as my other friends. Everything I write is too personal and I can't bring interesting theories or data into my writing. I am mostly random. I'm constantly preoccupied with people's expectations, with how I'm supposed to appear accomplished in this field. 

Paradoxically, I have struggled to express myself.  I tend to criticise myself. I feel naked if people read me, but I truly hope others understand me well.

But now I gradually came to realize all of that and heal from it. I don't want to be driven by expectation. I want to be real.

And by embracing what is close to me, I realize that my close friends,the ones who truly accept me for who I am, do not judge me against those standards of expectation. We do not cease to be friends simply because my writing is poor or because my arguments lack critical depth on a particular subject.

For me everything is a win, because my goal is simply to experience.

Recently, I've been reflecting on a study showing that our brains don't fully distinguish between real events and vivid imagination, because both activate the very same neural circuits in our minds. If we imagine a scary situation, our brain releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline just as if the danger were real.

There is an overlap in brain areas when we imagine something versus experiencing it in reality. The amygdala reprocesses the memory with an emotional intensity similar to when the original event actually occurred. That is why we might experience physical reactions, exactly as if the event were happening right now.

This kept me thinking that we, as humans, are beyond mere reality. Perhaps reality is simply the dominant construct within our minds. And beyond that, we may be able to shape the world just as we imagine it. 

I have never wanted to define things, or confine them within limitation. 

This freedom of thoughts is sometimes so liberating, and I feel as though I don't have to worry about anything, yet I still experience this kind of disappointment when I get emotional. But in the end, I always found myself back to this state: that I owe nothing, that everything is seasonal and temporary. I don't know whether this is so ‘nihilism’ or not, but it seems to sit somewhere between hope and optimism about life. 

If a friend betrayed me, leave me, I let them go anyway. Yes, it hurts deeply when they go, but what is left, and what is truly worth holding on to so tightly? Everyone will eventually disappear and I will end up alone. I can only love them while life gives me time to do so, until it doesn’t anymore. When they leave, it simply means we no longer have time left to be together. 

I have no regrets.

Also even if we fail, it teaches us something. If we fall apart, which is we will, we will gather ourselves back again. If we lose ourselves in the ocean of suffering, what is there left to fear? Because afterward, time will keep moving and change will come regardless. People will always judge anyway. We will always have mistakes. Seasons will always change.

When life gives me so many chances to experience it, all I want is to truly live it with all my awareness. All the beauties, all the terrors. To be alive is to accept both sorrow and joy. I hope I will always be brave enough to encounter the life experiences that lie ahead. 

just a soul experiencing life :)